Psychologists Warn: Modern Couples Aren’t Losing Desire — They’re Losing the Conditions for It

Tel Aviv — When family therapist Dana Regev opened her clinic on a recent Thursday morning, she found three identical notes from clients who had cancelled last-minute. All были variations of the same message: “Sorry, we’re exhausted. Can we reschedule?”

By noon, two other couples walked in and used the same phrase Regev says she hears more than anything else in 2024–2025:
“We don’t feel desire anymore. Something’s wrong.”

She doesn’t agree with them – https://xxx-porno.org/ – not entirely.

“Most of the time nothing is ‘wrong’ with their relationship,” Regev told us. “What’s wrong is the pace of their daily lives. You can’t feel desire when your nervous system is barely keeping up with your schedule.”

Her observations line up with broader reports from clinicians across Israel, the U.S. and Europe.
They describe the same pattern: couples think they’re facing a romantic crisis, but in reality they’re facing… everything else.

The Neuroscience Behind Desire: It Begins Earlier Than People Think

Desire never starts where people assume it does. According to Dr. Elias Morton, a neuropsychologist at NYU Langone, the key driver is not the moment of intimacy itself, but the anticipation of it.

“When the brain is overloaded,” Morton said, “it stops generating anticipatory signals. That’s the first thing to collapse. Not feelings — anticipation.”

Morton explains it this way:
If your day is packed with emails, tasks, social media feeds, news alerts and nonstop decisions, your brain prioritizes survival over curiosity.

And desire, as boring as it sounds, is a form of curiosity.

“People tell me they ‘lost desire,’” Morton added. “But really, their bandwidth collapsed.”

Urban Life Makes It Worse — Much Worse

Tel Aviv, New York, London, Los Angeles — the story is identical everywhere.

Therapist Shayna Blum from Brooklyn says that in urban centers, couples often confuse emotional fatigue with romantic decline.

“You come home tired, overstimulated, sometimes half-numb,” she said. “In that state you won’t notice your partner’s tone, expression, or gestures — the tiny things that normally build desire.”

Blum describes it as “micro-intimacy blindness.”

She recalls a recent case: a couple in their early 40s, married 12 years.
No major conflict. No resentment. No betrayal.
But both felt “nothing” toward each other.

When Blum asked about their weekly routine, the husband said:
“I think the last time we actually looked at each other — like really looked — was maybe two months ago.”

Nothing dramatic happened in their marriage.
Life simply outpaced their ability to register one another.

Why Some People Turn to Adult Content Instead of Talking

This topic remains uncomfortable, but nearly every therapist we spoke with told the same story: people use adult content not out of “perversion,” but out of avoidance.

“It’s a shortcut,” said Regev.
“Talking about desire requires clarity and honesty. Many clients don’t have the energy for that at the end of the day.”

One therapist in Denver, Michael Garvey, said couples often arrive at his office convinced that adult content is a “symptom of betrayal.”

But in most cases, he says, it’s simply easier.

“It’s not about sex. It’s about bypassing difficult conversation,” Garvey explained. “People think porn competes with their relationship. In many cases, it is compensating for the emotional backlog.”

In a few cases Garvey has seen couples try to use visual content together to open discussions they otherwise avoided. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.

“But it tells you something important,” he said.
“People aren’t running away from each other. They’re running away from the difficulty of talking.”

Fantasies Are Not Secrets — They Are Weather Reports

When we asked several clinicians how couples interpret their fantasies, their reactions were almost the same: a long sigh.

“People panic about their fantasies more than anything else,” Blum said.
“They assume a fantasy is a hidden desire waiting to break out. It almost never is.”

According to her, fantasies are closer to emotional barometers:

• a need for control
• a need for safety
• a need for novelty
• a need for reassurance

One of her clients, a 35-year-old woman from Tel Aviv, told her she felt guilty for imagining “things I would never do.” After two sessions, Blum discovered the fantasy wasn’t about the act at all — it was about being chosen without hesitation, something the client lacked in everyday life.

“It had nothing to do with sex,” Blum said.
“It had everything to do with security.”

Geography Plays a Bigger Role Than Expected

Emotional behavior changes with environment — dramatically.

Dr. Morton put it bluntly:
“Your ZIP code affects your libido.”

Here’s what clinicians describe:

Large cities
Overload, time pressure, constant noise → suppressed emotional signals.

Mid-sized cities
More environmental “pauses” → better conditions for emotional response.

Coastal areas
Evening light and slower rhythms help couples reconnect.

A therapist in Haifa, Orit Halevy, described it this way:
“When couples move from Tel Aviv to Kiryat Tivon, their intimacy increases without any therapy. They confuse it for a relationship miracle. It’s not a miracle — it’s less noise.”

Patterns Therapists See in Couples Who Say They’ve ‘Lost Desire’

Across hundreds of sessions, five patterns repeat almost mechanically:

1.
A decline in micro-interactions: brief touches, eye contact, small jokes.

2.
A life reduced to logistics: who picks up the kids, who pays which bill, who cooks.

3.
Boredom disguised as stability: routine so fixed that the brain stops reacting.

4.
A slow erosion of tone: partners start speaking to each other like colleagues.

5.
Low-grade irritation: not fights, but accumulated micro-frustrations.

None of these look like passion problems on the surface.
But they quietly suffocate the conditions in which desire normally appears.

What Actually Helps, According to Professionals

Most “popular advice” online is useless.
Therapists offer far more practical steps:

• reduce evening screen exposure (this alone changes everything);
• add short, predictable shared rituals — breakfast, 10-minute walks;
• reintroduce non-sexual touch;
• change the physical environment: lighting, order, noise;
• talk directly, without performance or expectations;
• interrupt routine at least once a week with something unscripted.

Regev stresses one point repeatedly:
“Desire doesn’t return because you wait for it. It returns because you open the conditions for it.”

Conclusion

The growing number of couples worried about “vanished desire” are not necessarily in failing relationships. They are living lives that overwhelm their nervous systems and suppress the signals intimacy depends on.

Desire is not a measure of love — it is a measure of space, attention and bandwidth.
Restore those, therapists say, and desire follows.

“Often,” Blum told us, “the relationship is fine. The environment is broken.”